Wasp spray, a ladder and being in the wrong place…twice

It’s a Sunday morning, and I’m standing in my backyard with a full can of wasp spray. This should be a 30-second job, and I’ll be done. So I thought.

Earlier that morning, I went to H-E-B to get groceries. On the list was wasp spray. I often say my wife is the handyman, and I’m the maid. What takes me an hour to fix, takes her 5 minutes. She sees a bug and immediately grabs a shoe. I spend the extra 2 minutes to run downstairs and get the insect spray. Just enough time for the bug to get away…Just being real here. I’m not ashamed.

But today, I was going to be the man of the house. I was going to take down an army of wasps. I was going to lay down my life for my wife.

I grab the wasp spray from the counter, where I set it after unloading the groceries and head outside.

Now, this nest happens to be where the highest point of the house is. I bought this can specifically cause it said up to 27ft. You know those “up tos” can paint with a broad brush. But, I am optimistic.

I begin shaking the can. I look up at the wasps while continuing to shake. Aiming the spray can at the wasp nest, I pulled back on the trigger, and there it went. It shot up like a rocket. It was pretty epic. Except it fell short by like 10 feet, and because I was directly under where I sprayed (like an idiot), it fell directly back on me. My shirt is covered in wasp spray, and there is a slight burning sensation in my eyes from a few drops falling between my face and glasses.

Wasps 1. Me 0.

Then I had a brilliant idea. I’ll use a ladder!

But, I’m afraid of heights. Ah, it doesn’t matter. I have committed to being the man of the house…for this moment.

I remembered we have a ladder on the other side of the yard. So I go and grab the ladder, and I carry it back over to the other side of the yard.

This time I was going to be smart and spray at an angle. I set the ladder against the side of the house to the right of the nest. I climbed up 3 steps and had a thought.

What if I spray, and it only makes the wasps mad? There’s at least twenty up there and one me. I’m already afraid of heights, and I’ve been stung enough to know it’s not exactly what you would call a fun experience. It will be fine though, right?

So I took a few deep breaths, held the can up, and aimed it at the nest. I sprayed as confidently as I could for a solid 3 seconds. I was determined to get this nest.

It all happened in slow motion. I saw the spray go up, and it was headed right for the nest. “Perfect shot,” I thought. I sat there on the ladder, feeling proud as I watched the white foam head north towards the enemy.

Then something happened…

It was like the spray had a mind of its own. At the last minute, that two-faced $2.97 wasp spray betrayed me.

Declining to go where I aimed it to go. It actually started falling, but falling at an angle — an angle where I happened to be.

There I was standing on the ladder. Shamed in defeat, showered with wasp spray.

I can confidently say it does not go “up to” 27 feet.

Wasps 2. Me 0.